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I Know Winter Well

by Janna Leise

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1.
I'd rather be lost in a river Than to be lost in somebodys arms I'd rather let them call me sinner Than to drive in your car In your car, in your car They found some stuff in the river Some stuff that belonged to me once They found a unused map That led to the things I never had. I never had, I never had And when they come close enough to see me Oh I beg them to walk away ‘Cause I pray for a lot more than for a home Where all I can do is stay Stay, stay, stay, stay I searched for a friend in the river I didn't realize I was all alone So on a Monday I drowned in the river ‘Cause nobody was able to bring me home.
2.
Saints 03:03
Let me be human tonight Only in my head Only for your eyes Let me be human tonight These manic prayers Bring tears to my eyes The air smells like metal. I can’t tell if it’s blood or the sky. We’re bound to be saints At the gate of all gates But I can’t feel your heartbeat. I can’t feel your heartbeat. Take my head away from me Chop it off and set it free. Thoughts run wild like calligraphy Thoughts run wild like calligraphy Let me be human tonight These feelings are holy These memories are mine Let me be human tonight You hold on to my darkness I’ll hold on to your light The air smells like metal. I can’t tell if it’s your blood or if it's mine. We’re bound to be saints At the gate of all gates But I can’t feel your heartbeat. I can’t feel your heartbeat. I can’t feel your heartbeat I can’t feel your heartbeat I can’t feel your heartbeat I can’t feel your heartbeat I can’t feel your heartbeat I can’t feel your heartbeat I can’t feel your heartbeat I can’t feel your heartbeat So let me be human tonight.
3.
Part 2 03:20
Tell me does it rain for me or does it rain for you? I'm not looking for a shelter when I ask you this So don't even think about putting my name on this damn list ‘Cause all my life I’ve been a fool All my life I’ve been a fool All my life I’ve been a fool For people like you You know lots of demons And you keep sending them my way I have nothing to say Nothing is never enough But for me it is too much Cause all my life I’ve been a fool All my life I’ve been a fool All my life I’ve been a fool For people like you And I pray that you've lost your way on countless glades The moonlit night it buys you time But you do nothing else but shine All my life I’ve been a fool All my life I’ve been a fool All my life I’ve been a fool Just like you
4.
Alone again and far from the road again. My only thought is „How can I stay here?“ I've been pretending, that you are a friend. This is not what I expected. This is not what I want. ‘Cause I read what there is to read And I thought what there is to think. So accept me, accept me. Drown as long as there is water And burn yourself as long as you can feel But for now: Accept me. But they felt nothing We felt nothing I felt nothing but hope I wish I was deaf and I wish I was blind. I need a taste of that wound and I won't let it close. You don't stay here. That bruise is all I feel. It's all I keep from you. And I'm not interested in healing. ‘Cause I read what there is to read And I thought what there is to think. So accept me, accept me. Drown as long as there is water And burn yourself as long as you can feel But for now: Accept me. But they felt nothing We felt nothing I felt nothing but hope
5.
Arms 02:20
Let's never forget I'm the sad one and you are not Let's never forget I'm the weak one and you are not I want arms To hold me, to hit me, to wash and to fit me I want arms Let's never forget I'm the sad one and you are not Let's never forget I'm the weak one and you are not I want arms To hold me, to hit me, to wash and to fit me To hold me, to hit me, to wash and to fit me Harmful or healing. Cruel or appealing Harmful or healing. Cruel or appealing I want arms
6.
How come that you are here? And how come that I am not? I’m only pretending to be anything but everything. How come that your fingers never touch my wrist? It is happening again Time is not a friend of mine We always sat at different tables My hours they are running They’re searching for something but they don’t know what it is How come that I don’t know your middle name? How come there are no windows in my walls? How come my eyes don’t look like eyes anymore? After you left them wanting more More than love More than hope More than working organs More than I could ever cope More than I could ever cope
7.
Bobby 02:39
My head is burning. I despise you all The pages keep turning No tune can catch me when i fall It hurts to see the sunset in someone else’s eyes But the one thing you should know is: I'm just trying to stay alive The air is filled with blossoms My hands are filled with thorns Some mouths are filled with heavenly words That's just how it is but when I think of it My fingers turn to fists I see buildings, pigeons everywhere Traces of your songs are tangled up in somebody’s hair Pieces of me are buried somewhere near this town And some of these pieces can sometimes see the clouds The air is filled with blossoms My hands are filled with thorns Some mouths are filled with heavenly words That's just how it is but when I think of it My fingers turn to fists
8.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning The daylight is long gone They're on their way to the water ‘Cause they damn what we’ve become The water's cold and dirty It's soaking through my skirt And I can hear their wings now They’re coming, have you heard? I walk a little slower To watch you disappear And yes I see them coming North wind beneath their wings We’re old enough to be grateful now For what has been and what’s to come On this day 2 years from now The earth will finally take me home And all the trees are whispering They’re whispering your name Since you walked away from here I haven’t heard them say it again Your silence it transformed me Into someone you once knew Hold me sorrow, hold me close For his eyes are all I see Don’t be afraid of the water It’s more to me than a means to an end It won’t let me drown tonight It’s just a pond that holds my hand And I long to be done with love By the light of the morning sun The wilderness is getting wilder now A million eyes are now my own I’ll write to you until I’m nothing And I hope you’ll love me then What’s over isn’t over It’ll start to grow again Now please give them your silence And walk these 3 long miles I’d drink your words, I’d drink them all I promise, I’ll be kind This undefeatable agony Will forever be my own Now please write me your color Mine is deep dark red
9.
Oh my darling I'm sorry that I always lie Oh my darling please please find what I try to hide Oh my darling send me forget-me-nots, always forget-me-nots, always. Oh my darling and I'll be nicer than I want to be. I won't be thinking of you always You pay the price alone you say Come closer now I won't push you away You said that too many times you say Oh my precious wounds, they they they hold me tight. Oh my precious wounds, they they they hold me tight. Oh my darling it's been a while since you've made me smile. Oh my darling but I still want to stay up with you all night Oh my darling it's like I only exist when you can see me with your own eyes. Oh my darling I am honest, way too honest for a good life I will be thinking of you always. You pay the price alone you say Come closer now I will push you away Don't talk to me again you say Oh my precious wounds, they they they hold me tight. Oh my precious wounds, they they they hold me tight . Oh my darling won't you come closer to my heart? I won't let you, I will fight, but please just try.
10.
Chaos 02:45
Chaos knocked on my door And entered my room It was so small But it grew so fast And I, I Surrounded by walls The sky is alarmed She is dead and gone And I am now free She is dead and gone And I am now free Chaos entered my room Chaos entered my head Chaos entered my heart Chaos made me fall apart
11.
It'll take me months to recover from nothing Nothing at all, nothing at all It'll take me years to extend this scar To make it noticeable And I'm so awfully lonely And I wish you would know me And I wish your words could control me Cause I'm so awfully lonely Did you knew, I couldn’t throw salt into your wounds without bleeding too?! And the hope for a dark dark night Gives me the courage to analyze Your words, your pride, your heart and your mind. And I'm so awfully lonely And I wish you would know me And I wish your words could control me Cause I'm so awfully lonely I'm a church, I'm a boat, I'm a river, I'm your hope, I'm an arm chair, I'm a coat, I'm a witness, I'm your load And I'm so awfully lonely I'm glad that you don't know me I hate that your eyes control me That's why I love to be so awfully lonely Let your life be easy tonight Don’t pretend to smile Let your life be easy tonight Don’t pretend to write Let your life be easy tonight These friends in the darkness, they’re right by your side I’ll recognize you, I’ll recognize you I’ll recognize you, I’ll recognize you, you , you Let your life be easy tonight Calm down. I’m right by your side. I’ll recognize you, I’ll recognize you I’ll recognize you, I’ll recognize you, you , you
12.
Menschmosaik 04:59
I don't want to leave this world without you I want to stop using the word I too often 'Cause that's what they taught me in school I don't want to greet the people I grew up with I don't want to feel the need to talk to ghosts There's a sadness in me that I can't let go of It's there because I had to let go of you And this will be all that is left of me And I want you to know that I've loved you And this will be all that is left of me And I want you to know how much I adored you And I don't want to be just a part of your mosaic ‘Cause I still feel and I wait I will wait I know I will leave this world without you It's a truth I'll never accept And yes,.. I'll keep sending you letters Without ever adding your address All I want is to exist near you But dreamland is as near as I can get And this will be all that is left of me And I want you to know that I've loved you And this will be all that is left of me And I want you to know how much I adored you And I don't want to be just a part of your mosaic Cause I still feel and I wait I will wait And when I've left this world without you Nobody will ever know What kind of heart was beating in this chest And how desperately it was trying to connect I did not write this to show you my sorrow I came here to close my eyes Maybe obscurity will bring me some kind of closure I hope it won't And this will be all that is left of me And I want you to know that I've love you And this will be all that is left of me And I want you to know how much I adore you And I don't want to be just a part of your mosaic Cause I still feel and I wait I will wait

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released June 5, 2015

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Janna Leise Münster, Germany

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